Act I
A kitchen, in the home of an expatriate American, somewhere
in Cornwall. A Cornishman has stopped in for tea.
Cornishman, surveying the kitchen, to American: Why is your
cheese grater so big? It’s preposterous!
American to Cornishman (slightly annoyed): Because Americans eat a lot of cheese, of course!
Cornishman (amused): You must
eat a lot of cheese to need one that
big. I can just imagine what meals must be like in your country: mum and dad
and all the kiddies sitting round the table, plates heaped high with shredded
cheese!
American (sarcastically): Yes, that’s exactly how it is in America. I can
tell you’ve been there. Cheese is where Americans get all their vitamins. ( He
pronounces “vitamins” the American way, with a long “i”).
Cornishman: Excuse me, mate, did you say “vye-tamins?” Don’t you know it’s
pronounced “vih-tamins?” It’s a short
“i,” as in “ih-gloo.” You wouldn’t
pronounce “igloo” as “eye-glue,”
would you?
American: Well, you wouldn’t pronounce “vital” as “vittle”
would you? Of course not! You would say “vye-tle.” So why not “vye-tamin?” And
where do you come off pronouncing “dual carriageway” as “joo-el carriageway?”
“Dual” is spelled with a “d” not a “j.” It should be pronounced “doo-el!”
(Cornishman and American hotly debate the pronunciation of
the words albino, zebra, and garage for several minutes, nearly coming to
blows.)
American: You English are fond of baby-isms in your speech.
It’s amazing to me that you would call an umbrella a “brolley,” and your boots
“wellies.”
Cornishman: We have the Queen and the Beatles!
American: There you’ve got me, friend. Here, have some more
clotted cream in your tea.
(American dumps a huge a pile of something into Cornishman's tea with a "plop!")
Cornishman: That’s not clotted cream, you ninny, that’s
grated cheese!
American: Well, English cars are too small.
End of Act I
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